People tell you that you need to compromise in relationships. You shouldn't get angry. You should be grateful for what you have. Based on my experiences with people and how I feel after doing exactly this and doing the opposite, I realise that you shouldn't do any of them.
Never compromise. It's ok to be angry. And it's ok to not be grateful. I will start with compromise. I say never compromise because it's usually followed by both parties feeling like they have lost. Or if it's just one person who compromised they feel like they lost; meanwhile the other person feels like what they got out of it was given begrudgingly. Even if the person who compromised doesn't say anything, it's obvious.
And for the person who does compromise, they keep score of that compromise. When you eventually have arguments these compromises come up. You tell the other person what you did for them. And before you know it, you have let the other person know that what you did was not out of an understanding of their feelings or out of love, but because you thought you have to do it. It feels like you did them a favour. And to you it might feel like you did something good, but to the other person it feels like even though you did something for them, you don't truly understand or love them. It was just you being nice or you gave in because you were tired of having the same argument again and again. Not because their happiness matters to you.
None of you ends up feeling good. And more important - if you feel like what you are doing is a compromise, something is already wrong. You are already feeling unloved, unappreciated or not understood.
Whenever I did something that I didn't want to do I see the difference between what I think of as a compromise and what I do out of love. What I think of as a compromise is done for someone who I feel does not love, appreciate or understand me. I don’t feel like compromising because I don't feel they will compromise for me (It's not always a conscious thought). I am just doing it because I want them to like me. Even if I do love them, that’s not why I compromised. Although I seriously think this has more to do with being used to someone or feeling attached than love and there is a huge difference between the two. But when I do the same thing out of love, I do it with people with whom I feel loved because I want to see them happy. Or I want to do something for them to show that I love them too.
I would never call this a compromise. I can't get myself to. I hate to call this a compromise. So my point is, don't compromise. Because if you feel like it's a compromise, you need to work on other issues. Maybe talk to the person. It might not always work. But more compromises aren’t what are needed. What you need is to communicate what you need and why, and listen to them and ask them what they need. When you don't feel like it, know that maybe you need to move on and that compromising to save the relationship might not be the best idea after all.
Because when you are with the right people you don't feel like saving it is an effort. It's easy. Not because there are no problems. But because solving those problems seems easy. Because you feel happy doing things for each other that you wouldn't for others. Because when you talk to each other, they don't try to tell you why what you want "shouldn't be important". They just listen and understand or ask questions till they do. It's not hard work despite the problems and the effort.
I have seen several relationships (of all kinds) where talking about problems never leads anywhere. The problem stays. The feelings become sour. The arguments escalate or people stop communicating. That is not the right relationship. And what you need to do is leave. Not compromise. I didn't realise this before, but I do now that when discussing problems with a person leads nowhere, it's a sign that things are not going to improve. Not that you should try harder. It's a misconception that relationships need hard work. They don't.
My experience with my best friends or other people I loved showed me that the people I loved most; felt the most open with, were people with whom I felt most secure; where things were easy. With them I never have doubts. I don't doubt that they love me and appreciate me. I don't feel jealous. I don't worry they will leave. And even if they have to, I miss them. I can still get in touch with those people today. Because I know things didn't end because they don't love me. And these are not perfect relationships or perfect people. Often both of us had insecurities. There was stuff we didn't like about each other; sometimes big issues. But it didn't feel like a reason to feel threatened or unloved. Even when we had to end the relationship, you part with a feeling of having been accepted and loved. And that doesn't go away. And this was while I was way more insecure and stupid.
You should work on your own issues, sure. You can't rely on just finding the right people if you keep sabotaging your relationships and just hope you won't do it with them. But it doesn't mean that you can't find people who love you even when you are a work in progress. And when you find them you will know. And you will be able to tell because you won't worry whether they love you. The problem is, when you have never had that, you might not be aware that it’s possible to feel that way. Or that it's possible for you. But when you get there you have a frame of reference for what to look for the next time.
I recently saw the alarm ad from Tata Tea. It's one of the few ads that don't annoy me. In fact I absolutely love that ad. Too often I notice that people dismiss their problems or worse, someone else expressing their problems as not a big deal. If someone feels something is worrying them enough to want to talk about it, you shouldn't be telling them what they are feeling is wrong for the simple reason that you are not them and haven't been with them 24X7. Even if you spend a considerable time with someone not even the most empathetic person can understand everything the other person feels. So if they are trying to talk to you, you should try to understand their point of view instead of imposing yours, based on your limited knowledge of their circumstances. And another major reason why this doesn't work is what the ad is trying to get at. Don't wait for the alarm bells to ring. Don't wait for the worst to happen. And the reason we wait is because we believe what is happening is normal, because it is common.
I am not writing this because all non-vegans ask these questions or because I don't like non-vegans. I know several non-vegans who I love and who actively help me try to find vegan options when we go out. There are people who are merely curious and actually ask questions in a different manner and don't ask some of these questions at all. But there are a lot of people who either ask because they enjoy instigating people for their enjoyment or because they believe you owe them an explanation.
I never tell people to go vegan unless I see that they are inclined towards it anyways. Because I believe people who are motivated or inclined towards it don't need the push and pushing only makes people dig their heels in, even if they realise midway they were wrong. Arguing hardly ever gets people to see your point. If you can get them to change, they will eventually change back to their old ways. The best way to influence people is to be the change. Lasting changes have to come from within.
No. I haven't gone crazy. I am extremely serious. You should be a robot. At least if you actually believe all the stuff that modern culture tells you.
You cry too much.
You shouldn't get angry.
He doesn't mean it.
It was just a joke.
You are overreacting.
All basically telling you that you shouldn't be feeling what you are feeling because this is not the situation where you should feel it. In fact you shouldn't feel it at all because if it happened in the past then you should just forget it. And if it's in the present then you shouldn't make a scene.
Yes, The title is inspired by crappypictures.com. I had other nicer titles. But this one just seemed to suit the purpose I am doing it for most. I have been noticing that as much as I love learning art I can't get myself to draw from imagination. Not because I don't want to or can't. I have proven to myself again and again that I can do it. But when I want to draw something from imagination I want it to look good. And that takes stages. Meanwhile I want a perfect artwork the moment I put pen to paper. I have talked about this in a previous post. I remind myself and it works for a few days but then I forget again. So I have decided to start a challenge for myself. Something that I find works very well when I have to remember something.
Ok, so this post is more for myself than for anyone else because I need to figure out what to blog about since I hear artists should blog. Since for me art is not something to be discussed but enjoyed, whether you like viewing or making it. It's something I like to do and I don't feel the need to talk about it (unless needed). In faaaact, it's just like reading. I love books and I read a lot but I don't necessarily want to talk about them. I know a few people might snigger about this statement because for the last year or two I have been starting a lot of my statements with "I read that…" but I am talking about fiction here not non-fiction (yes, I am biased besides, it just happens to come up in conversations), so you're definitely still going to hear about my annoying latest non-fiction reads and sometimes fiction, but that's going to be rare because I find it hard to write a whole post on or talk a lot about a novel.
I love sketching with pens. Specially on a grey or beige paper, hatching it and then shading it with grey marker and white gel pen. For this, I used pigment liners for a long time but I kept having to buy new ones because the nib used to wear out before the ink did and even when it didn't, I had to use it in a particular position. I found it annoying.
And then I found a fountain pen lying around at my house. Of course it was mine but I hadn't used it for ages. So I googled how to get it to work again. And then after it did I started sketching with it. It was so smooth that I started using it for outdoor sketching. I started collecting fountain pens of different types and now I have a collection of different nib sizes including calligraphy pens and black ink, instead of the blue one I had been using.
For a long time when people asked who my favourite artist, idol or inspiration was I had nothing to say. I didn't have anyone who inspired me and no favourite artist. I am not saying I didn't think someone was awesome. Or that when I looked at some artist's work I didn't feel that it was beautiful and I wanted to make artwork like that. But I quickly forgot about them. And their name. They might be successful and the best at their work but I either didn't remember them or they didn't motivate me enough to feel like they were my favourite or inspired me even if I loved their work a lot.
Before I start with what I want to say let me clarify what I mean when I use the terms love, care and attachment.
To care for someone is to feel empathy for them. To feel their pain which would make you want to help or at least hope for their well being. You can care for just about anyone, even strangers if you can empathise with them.
I downloaded a sample on kindle yesterday of the book Childism: Confronting Prejudice Against Children
Book by Elisabeth Young-Bruehl. I have been trying to find a book like this for a while now. As the title says it's about prejudice against children. The author argues that prejudice exists against children as a group and that it is comparable to racism, sexism, and homophobia.